Reason or rationalization? A rant of limitless proportions

I am having a baby in August. A baby. I haven't been pregnant for 6 years. Why this fact has tipped me upside down is a mystery to me. It's not like this was a surprise. We decided to have one more child.

I've been sick and tired. Nothing new there, I was sick and tired for the last 3 pregnancies. However, this time around there has been a deep changing within. Many of the things I loved before, many of my goals and dreams aren't important to me. I am just not interested in them anymore.

Homeschooling, Leadership education, Art of Womanhood and the newsletter - I don't want to do it anymore. Just like that. Overnight. Huh!!!? For the first 3 months of this pregnancy, my bookshelves (which has been my pride and joy) made me ill to look at. I had no interest in reading another classic. Even the idea of scholar phase overwhelmed me to nausea. I was very confused by the strong feelings I was experiencing so suddenly and without warning.

I equated it all to morning sickness and expected that when I was feeling better I would get back to reading and writing. I have returned to my writing but I haven't really picked up a book. A friend is having a book discussion on C.S Lewis's Abolition of Man for May. I could try to get into it. I've loved the idea of reading C.S. Lewis in the past . . .

I am the editor in chief of the Art of Womanhood newsletter. This has been a wonderful opportunity and a dream I have had for many years. I had wanted to start my own newsletter (actually I wanted to start a magazine) for woman - to inspire them in their roles as women, mothers and housewives. That's exactly what Art of Womanhood does! Now, I want to drop it. I don't want to do this newsletter because it is too much work. My dream!!!? Where did that come from?!!!

I've been very excited about homeschooling for many years. Now, I want it to go away. Bam! I want my children to go back to public school where someone else can be responsible for educating them. There I said it truthfully. I don't want the responsibility that seems to be an anvil on me. It's too much pressure. It's too much work.

Reason or rationalization?

This baby coming is worrying me. I wonder what I was thinking when I decided for one more. I try to tell myself this baby is a blessing but I can't ignore what has come with each child; Postpartum depression, anxiety, fatigue, heaps of laundry, painful breastfeeding experiences, feeling overwhelmed and helpless. All of which I have gotten through before. I am so glad for each child the Lord has sent. This baby is a blessing.

What is four children? Many women in this community have 6 - 9 - 12 children. Am I a wimp? I just can't see how I can homeschool, carry on with Art of Womanhood and work towards a scholar phase with that year of the baby looming. It's my breaking point and it hasn't even happened yet.

How will I get up in the morning to start that routine of the day when I am up all night feeding? How will I cope with the depression, be an example of life long learning, nurture my children's love of learning and keep dinner on the table? For me, it is difficult to stay happy that first year of a baby. Maybe it will be different. Maybe no depression. Maybe the baby will latch wonderfully. Maybe the baby will be a good sleeper. Maybe I will have energy to spare.

A friend, Heather Burton, believes we can do difficult things. I believe it. I am just in a spot where I don't want to do it. I don't want to struggle through it and I resent the idea that I might be giving up the grand prize at the end. This could make me stronger. If I can homeschool and stick with the newsletter, if I can keep up my studies and cope with postpartum life then I will be a pillar of strength. I will have gone through the refiners fire. I will have arrived at 'amazingness'.

Mediocrity looks pretty good to me right now. Why can't I just be happy with who I am and what I have right now? Why am I always chasing the grandness of it all? Why can't my progression be small steps to small victories? Why can't that be sufficient enough? Why can't I enjoy the quiet of my life?

reason?

My dear friend Peggy finds it frustrating because her mother-in-law isn't supportive of her decision to homeschool. I am very worried of the comments homeschoolers will say when I send my oldest back to public school. I've heard them before about others who have gone back to public school. I've said them before about others who have gone back before. I wish I had never passed judgement.

Do you know what I want to do?

I want to sleep. I want to dip fresh Focaccia bread into balsamic vinegar and olive oil. I want to sew a bag and buy a teacup. I want to plant primrose in my garden. I want to restock rice in our food storage.

I am sewing!

Let me tell you of my experience in sewing. My mother put me in 4-H sewing when I was 12. I used a very old sewing machine that might have been my grandmothers or someones' grandmothers'. It seldom worked. I spent most of my time a.) fighting with the sewing machine and b.) ripping out the stitches I managed to sew. My 4-H leader did most of my sewing because I was so behind. Needless to say- I have hated sewing since.

In the late 90's my husband bought me a sewing machine which I used a little. I made a dress for my daughter (with a lot of help from a friend) and I made some curtains and other odds and ends. I didn't hate it anymore but it wasn't my favorite past time.

Suddenly, all I want to do is sew. Totes! I made these and I had such fun! No help from anyone. Granted, they aren't hard to make but they bring me such pleasure. I love love love totes! I can not have too many. They work for everything. I am hoping to sell a bunch of them locally.

Thrifting treasures

It's coming close to that time of year again! Yes, yard sales and thrifting adventures! Look at these goodies I found at my favorite thrift store. They make me so happy I just had to share!

For months I have been reading other women's blogs and drooling over their thrifted treasures. It has inspired me to journal what I find. I can't describe the pleasure this hobby brings me. The only rule I have is that I must love-love-love it if I am going to bring it home with me.

Rollie - Pollie

Tansy and Tristan put on a little skit the other night. They played a rollie-pollie old couple who did a whole lot of toppling over after staged collisions. In fact, that's the script in a nutshell. Yup - Oscar quality performances at our house.

My Nemesis

I married a gamer. He spawned more gamers. I am the only one in my family unaffected by this mutation but I've learned to adjust to their strange obsessions. Our solution - Saturdays are for gaming. Simple. They can play all Saturday after the chores are done of course, if they want (and they most emphatically want).

Tree School

One sunshiny afternoon last summer, Liam decided that he wanted to go to 'Tree School'. Soooo- using ropes, pillows and blankets, I made these cocoon-like seats in our willow trees. I made one for each child. They took their books and sketchbooks to Tree school and spent all day learning in their little nests.

Tansy spent the afternoon reading about Greek mythology. In her sketchbook she illustrated each story in pencil. Tristan thought it would be appropriate to take a book about monkeys to his tree school. She spent the afternoon looking at monkey pictures and pretending to be one.

Exploration

In October of 2006 we took the children to a near by fishing hole to explore the waters edge. We spent that afternoon trying to catch minnows in a bucket (failing miserably) and seeing how big a splash we could make (much more successful).

This was a lesson in exploration. I wanted the children to just explore and understand that they didn't need an outline to learn something. The motto for the day was, "Look. Look. Look. To Look is to know." unknown

It was a lesson for me as well - a lesson in letting go. It was hard to keep myself quiet when I thought they might get soaking wet. I needed to learn to trust in the value of a child's curiosity by sitting back and letting them explore.

Little Rascals

This picture of our 'Alfalfa' was taken a few years ago. No, it wasn't Halloween. After a weekend binge of Little Rascal movies, Tristan decided that he needed to pay tribute to the late Carl Switzer. He spent the whole day in character.

Glimpses -A Typical Day With our Boys

Boys are gassy.

My boys have perfected this fact into an art and a perpetual performance in our home.

Here is a little script of just one of those performances.

Liam is ... flatulent.

Tristan: Ewwwww! Your fart smells like cookies!

Dad: What's wrong with that? Cookies smell great.

Tristan: Not those kind of cookies - poo cookies!

Flinching and Education ( meant more for the investigator )

Originally written
Tuesday, 30. May 2006

It is a quiet morning and I found some time while the children are absorbed in games of make believe to write some reflections I’ve been having because of Adler’s essay (posted before this one).

Getting this essay came at a good time for me. I have been listening to well meaning people question the choices I am making with regards to our family’s learning. As much as I would like to claim I am unmovable in my convictions I much confess I flinch now and again. So this essay reminded me what I was trying to accomplish and why.

I think school or colleges should only be condemned when their policies and practices get in the way of my educating myself. I think generally, people look to find fault or look to blame something else for their troubles. I don’t think it is the schools' or colleges' job to educate me or my children. I really don’t. A school might be in the business of educating but I don’t think they replace my responsibility to my own education.
I see it this way... I want an education. Say, I want to learn to read. I seek out someone who can show me how. They show me. I learn. I can read. The teacher gets my thanks and maybe some of my money but beyond that I owe him nothing more. From there on I am pursuing my own education by using this new developed skill. That is a simply put as I think it.
Adler says this;
“The very best thing for our schools to do is to
prepare the young for continued learning in later life by giving them the
skills of learning and the love of it.”

Yes, I agree here. However, I am not going to count on or rely on some one to do for me what I should do for myself.

So many of us send our child off to school and we expect a teacher to educate that child. We all believe that is a teacher‘s main priority, right?

Here is where the problem is I think.

Schools don’t focus on teaching you how to think. They focus on teaching your child what to think. If the teacher gives Bobby enough of the what to think Bobby will hopefully learn how to think for himself in the process. I am sure there is some success in this because children are bright but unfortunately with age comes the dullness of life’s distractions. What happens, perhaps, is that when Bobby graduates and no longer get the ‘what’ to think from teacher he loses some ability ‘how’ to think and his education ends there...unless, of course, he starts to get his own education now that all the legal requirements are fulfilled.

What’s my point? My point is that no one should assume responsibility for my education but me. The message I try to send to my children is the same, ‘no one is responsible for your education but you.’ You can find others who know more and get from them what you need. I think in that case a mentor is much better than a teacher but that’s a whole different blog.

Some might say, “a child doesn’t know what he needs.”

To which I feel almost like laughing. No one told an infant that they needed to walk. They knew it on their own. We don’t send our babies to walking and talking schools. They instinctively know and learn without an institution claiming responsibility to educate the babe. (Although with all the little Einstein programs and developmental toys out there...Gad! But I am not going down that road. Nurseries burst with color sound and texture but a child is most stimulated by LOVE- always has been always will be).
Anyway, a child does know what he wants to learn. A child knows what he wants more than most adults do. When children like something and they go after it, they touch it, they ask a billion questions about it, they smell it , taste it, pull it apart. Children know what they want to learn and all we can do is be there with the billion answers and better judgment so that our children aren’t put in harms way. Done. But I’ve said this a gazillion times, or as my son says ‘five thousand hundred billion’ when he means to say ‘a lot’.

Education is simple - Read, write, discuss & explore. It is, admittedly, hard to do but it is simple.

A son says, “I like dinosaurs.” We pull out the Dinotopia series and start reading it. We pull out dinosaur books and start drawing pictures. We go to a Dino museum, give our child a camera and a sketch pad and chase after them not to climb the exhibits or open the ‘staff only’ doors.

Kids know.

A daughter wants to be a ballerina. We read the many reditions of Swan Lake and take her to the performance. We get her a tutu and slippers. She writes stories about ballerinas, she draws pictures of ballerinas (and leaves them all over the living room floor because the fridge is completely full of dinosaur pictures!). We find her a mentor and let her go to classes. We watch her dance and clap and kiss her.

Kids know.

A son catches a spider and pulls his legs off. We read Charlotte’s Web and talk about it. We get a tarantella from the pet store call him Harry and buy him crickets to eat. Harry gets out once and we take him back to the pet store replacing Harry with posters and rubber tarantulas.

Kids know.

Ha! No flinching today. Sorry for the rant. It’s almost like throwing up - once you start you just can’t stop.