Reason or rationalization? A rant of limitless proportions

I am having a baby in August. A baby. I haven't been pregnant for 6 years. Why this fact has tipped me upside down is a mystery to me. It's not like this was a surprise. We decided to have one more child.

I've been sick and tired. Nothing new there, I was sick and tired for the last 3 pregnancies. However, this time around there has been a deep changing within. Many of the things I loved before, many of my goals and dreams aren't important to me. I am just not interested in them anymore.

Homeschooling, Leadership education, Art of Womanhood and the newsletter - I don't want to do it anymore. Just like that. Overnight. Huh!!!? For the first 3 months of this pregnancy, my bookshelves (which has been my pride and joy) made me ill to look at. I had no interest in reading another classic. Even the idea of scholar phase overwhelmed me to nausea. I was very confused by the strong feelings I was experiencing so suddenly and without warning.

I equated it all to morning sickness and expected that when I was feeling better I would get back to reading and writing. I have returned to my writing but I haven't really picked up a book. A friend is having a book discussion on C.S Lewis's Abolition of Man for May. I could try to get into it. I've loved the idea of reading C.S. Lewis in the past . . .

I am the editor in chief of the Art of Womanhood newsletter. This has been a wonderful opportunity and a dream I have had for many years. I had wanted to start my own newsletter (actually I wanted to start a magazine) for woman - to inspire them in their roles as women, mothers and housewives. That's exactly what Art of Womanhood does! Now, I want to drop it. I don't want to do this newsletter because it is too much work. My dream!!!? Where did that come from?!!!

I've been very excited about homeschooling for many years. Now, I want it to go away. Bam! I want my children to go back to public school where someone else can be responsible for educating them. There I said it truthfully. I don't want the responsibility that seems to be an anvil on me. It's too much pressure. It's too much work.

Reason or rationalization?

This baby coming is worrying me. I wonder what I was thinking when I decided for one more. I try to tell myself this baby is a blessing but I can't ignore what has come with each child; Postpartum depression, anxiety, fatigue, heaps of laundry, painful breastfeeding experiences, feeling overwhelmed and helpless. All of which I have gotten through before. I am so glad for each child the Lord has sent. This baby is a blessing.

What is four children? Many women in this community have 6 - 9 - 12 children. Am I a wimp? I just can't see how I can homeschool, carry on with Art of Womanhood and work towards a scholar phase with that year of the baby looming. It's my breaking point and it hasn't even happened yet.

How will I get up in the morning to start that routine of the day when I am up all night feeding? How will I cope with the depression, be an example of life long learning, nurture my children's love of learning and keep dinner on the table? For me, it is difficult to stay happy that first year of a baby. Maybe it will be different. Maybe no depression. Maybe the baby will latch wonderfully. Maybe the baby will be a good sleeper. Maybe I will have energy to spare.

A friend, Heather Burton, believes we can do difficult things. I believe it. I am just in a spot where I don't want to do it. I don't want to struggle through it and I resent the idea that I might be giving up the grand prize at the end. This could make me stronger. If I can homeschool and stick with the newsletter, if I can keep up my studies and cope with postpartum life then I will be a pillar of strength. I will have gone through the refiners fire. I will have arrived at 'amazingness'.

Mediocrity looks pretty good to me right now. Why can't I just be happy with who I am and what I have right now? Why am I always chasing the grandness of it all? Why can't my progression be small steps to small victories? Why can't that be sufficient enough? Why can't I enjoy the quiet of my life?

reason?

My dear friend Peggy finds it frustrating because her mother-in-law isn't supportive of her decision to homeschool. I am very worried of the comments homeschoolers will say when I send my oldest back to public school. I've heard them before about others who have gone back to public school. I've said them before about others who have gone back before. I wish I had never passed judgement.

Do you know what I want to do?

I want to sleep. I want to dip fresh Focaccia bread into balsamic vinegar and olive oil. I want to sew a bag and buy a teacup. I want to plant primrose in my garden. I want to restock rice in our food storage.